Dear Lover…..
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Dear Lover,
Earlier this year, I began creating a playlist with you in mind. It was an ode to the second time we made love. It was during that moment that I saw you and you me. We were insatiable. I had no time to prep myself like I typically do: hair, makeup, lashes, etc. When you showed up, I was raw and naked, literally and figuratively. When we sat on my couch, you joked about watching the sunset together. It was well past midnight, and my invite was not for us to watch the sunset. In hindsight, I wish we had, though. Somehow I think you may have surmised that our meetings were ever only about sex; I’m sorry.
Our meetings were about you. I wanted to be washed in your presence. I wanted to hear your laughter in real time versus on the phone. I wanted to see your face when you spoke about music and how it made you feel. I wanted to run my fingers through your hair; I especially love your hair. I think you are delightful, and if you are reading this, you are finding this out for the first time; I’m sorry.
The first song I added was, It Would Be You by Trey Songz. Honestly, I don’t like Trey Songz, but the title of the song is what grabbed me. Somehow I felt I was summoning what we could be with that song. I wanted to experience a deeper connection with you. I wanted moments and chemistry, and you gave me all of that in the short time we were together. On the nights you came, we laughed so hard it felt eternal. It was the laughter I needed, too. The love we made was a bonus. Thank you.
There were feelings and words unspoken and distance and so much quiet. In looking back, I appreciate it all because in those quiet moments I had memory. Memory of your face, your eyes, your smile, your laughter, your shoulders, your hair, your words, your sounds, my name on your lips, our bodies intertwined. You and me for a moment in time. Such a blessing. Short, but welcomed. You are forever a part of me. Even now, I smile in remembrance. It was good. It was joy. Maybe it was even happiness. Can I say it was nearing to rapture? Thank you.
Another song I added was Adore by Prince. I heard you say it was your favorite song. You didn’t say it to me, but I remember hearing it. Adore is one of my favorite words. I have longed to hear those words aimed at me; not necessarily by you, just in general. I thought, somehow, this being your favorite song was a sign. I think all things are signs, though. It’s sad that this is the one song I often chose not to listen to simply because it seems too big for me. The escalation of feeling in the song overwhelms me, and when I feel overwhelmed, I duck out. I’m sure you know this by now. Please forgive me.
I added a few songs by Snoh Aalegra, but I subsequently took them off. Hearing Snoh Aalegra was hard because I spent the summer listening to every song she ever made because you mentioned how her whole catalogue was worth several spins. This was the same summer we had spoken about getting closer, but, instead, we widened the distance between us. Please forgive me.
Rescue by Ashanti is the longest song on the list. I have been listening to this song since I was a teenager. It has always represented the depths of my emotions. We are all emotional beings, but I am a walking billboard of emotions. I have never felt like I needed saving, but with you it felt like somehow I had been rescued and in the grips of danger. When we are together it feels like an escape from so many burdens, but when we are not together it feels as if you no longer exist. This dichotomy is stripping, so I am left to rescue myself.
You asked if I would send you the playlist, and I think I said yes; but I never intended to do so. I tell you all about my petty ways, but not sending it isn’t one of those petty moves. This playlist is the culmination of many of the ways I feel for you that I have never expressed. Expression with you doesn’t feel safe. The last time we were together, I told you not to let months go by without us seeing each other again, and we are now nearing a month since that conversation. My expectations are significantly low at this point. This playlist is all I have left that signifies us, and it’s probably the only tangible thing I’ll ever have of you.
With Much Adoration,
Zee Khadijah
